A marriage of royalty and interviewing; What was Charles saying to William?

Image taken from The Vow website

The bunting was still up across the Huddersfield Road and the Elves at the water cooler were chattering excitedly about the great spectacle of the weekend.

“Well, at least they managed to pick a Saturday for it so we didn’t end up with another spurious bank holiday like the one his brother generated!” the BattleAxe accepted grudgingly.

Hoping to divert her from a well-worn favourite topic the Chief Elf observed how well The Duchess of Sussex seems to fit into the Royal Family already, “It’s almost as if she’d been specifically picked for the job” he said.

“Surely you don’t think that’s some sort of accident?” the BattleAxe replied, “Haven’t you recognised that the Royals have, very effectively, been deploying every modern interview technique in the book?”

Seeing the look of bafflement on the Chief Elf’s face she continued: “They’ve manufactured plenty of opportunities to observe her in what will be her new work environment coupled with lots of soft skills tests leaving the assessment to the public.  In reality, it is no different from all you Elves at BattleAxe Towers – it is about dealing with the public, but where ours come in the form of clients Megan’s will be a similarly variegated cross section of people just randomly selected from around the Commonwealth and beyond.”

“Again, you don’t think that her appearance at Sandringham over Christmas was just the family being friendly, do you?  Meet the public and see how the press react – it’s a classic example of a job audition, a sort of Royal hackathon to test how she thought on her feet.”

Warming to her theme, the BattleAxe continued, “Actually, a double test as seeing how your best candidate gets on in a casual setting helps bring out their true nature, away from the artificial pressure of a 30-minute interview.  I gather, the Queen came up with the ultimate interview test: buy me a pressie.  I’m not totally sure how I’d have rated a toy singing hamster but I believe the corgis thought it was the best gift of the day!”

“You’ll be suggesting that they watched episodes of Suits as video interviews next….” the Chief Elf muttered under his breath.  Flashing a glare in his direction she responded, “No, but the TV coverage of her appearances and of her UN speech will have been carefully reviewed to ensure that she is sound and can speak as properly as you can hope for, from an American.”

“Yes, all in all, it is a great example of a truly up-to-date selection process - one that businesses could well benefit from copying.  Mind you, I’m not sure we want to put on that much pageantry for each new starter here – I mean, does it really need that many people just to make sure the new team member has signed her contract properly?”

“Ah,” said the Chief Elf nodding knowingly, “So THAT’s what Charles was saying to William - “Did you remember to put in the paragraph about 6 months’ probation?”

The big risks about sharing on social media

“Who’d have guessed that what goes on Facebook doesn’t stay there!” chuckled the BattleAxe as she shared the latest amusing cat video.  “Have you ever thought of how much of your personal data is on the net and what it’s being used for?” she mused as her Chief Elf nervously started changing his banking password.  

“Don’t worry too much about that Elf, if you have strong passwords, don’t share them or use them on computers that you don’t control, the risk is low.  It’s more the social media stuff we share with friends and acquaintances – where you’re going, who you’re going with, your cat’s name and pictures of last night’s dinner…..preferably without your credit card visible on the table. All this is catnip to marketeers in deciding what will press your buttons – apparently, it can even be used to help you decide how to vote!”

“Isn’t GDPR going to stop all that when it comes into force later this year?” asked the Chief Elf, wondering if all his work on reviewing the systems, writing policies and cleansing the data held at BattleAxe HQ had been a complete waste of valuable time.

“Well sort of, but GDPR itself is more about how collectors of data review what they hold and requiring systems to be in place to make sure they know where and who it came from, what they have permission do with it and how and who, if anyone, they can share it with. It applies to businesses and organisations like sports clubs who should have been used to securing and making sure they only keep data that they can justify keeping for years already.  

“The biggest changes are that you have to document your processes and tighter rules on making sure you’ve got consent to keep/use the data.  It’s about time too because I’m sick of businesses bombarding us with marketing bumpf just because you once rang up to ask about their services.  They can’t rely on pre-ticked boxes anymore.  Thankfully, GDPR means asking people to opt in to being pestered – and telling them what you’re going to pester them about in advance.

“But of course it doesn’t apply to individuals who simply found the information on social media because you forget to adjust your privacy settings so that only real friends and family can see that colourful rant about your boss after you’ve had a few.  And as for Google’s trick of watching what you browse so that local businesses can pop up their ad every time you decide you want to look on YouTube for a “how do I ...?” video……

“You mean that’s not a coincidence?” asked a perplexed looking Chief Elf. 

“Surely you knew that by using Google you’d consented to being marketed to? How else do you think that lot is free?” she sighed and stomped off to send another withering blast to a household name requiring they remove her from their emailing list before she got her rolling pin out.

This article originally appeared in Huddersfield Examiner on April 5th

Times change and brands need to adapt

Early 2018 has seen the passing of a clutch of household names some young, some old.

Billy Graham just not quite making his century, as famous for his religious catalysing at the end as in the mid-50s. Sir Roger Bannister, at 88, first an astonishing athlete before switching to become as renowned neurologist .  Then Davide Astori cut off in his majestic footballing prime at 31.

Business hasn’t faired much better – Toys R Us, after 70 years on the high street, filing for Chapter 11 in the US and administration in the UK. Maplin failing having recently celebrated 45 years trading.  Just 17 years in, Prezzo is hoping to outlive other restaurant chains by shrinking to 1/3 of its peak scale after a history of massive growth.

The causes of demise are all individual but in many ways sadly similar. 

Toys R Us was the cornerstone of many an out-of-town retail park but, ironically, that was core to its downfall.  Kids attitudes to toy buying have changed and they want instant gratification – downloading an app or ordering up that specific fidget spinner for same day collection from Argos.  Stimulated by Harry Potter they began to expect magic and the warehouse style of presentation just didn’t cut it – worse, it ended up parodied as by the Toy Story franchise. Kids know what they want and they want it to feel specifically created for them. So, a vista of aisle after aisle of identical stuff simply doesn’t work.  Tiring stores and the sheer cost of such a huge physical footprint made them uneconomic, especially alongside online rivals.

The irony for Maplin is that it started as mail order technogeek heaven (long before the internet) which was then lured onto the high street searching for mainstream consumers. But that was the trouble – it became just another gadget shop rather than THE go to place for those truly serious about tech.   Speak to British nerds of a certain age, and they’ll wax lyrical about ultra-knowledgeable sales staff guiding you to piles of obscure components. Losing focus, striving for that general audience, meant stores sported drones, tablet computers and home automation gear.  Eventually, the burden of loans used to fund expansion brought them down.  Who knows, maybe the brand can re-emerge, phoenix-like, as the mecca it originally was?

Prezzo’s is a story of ultra-fast growth driven by dramatic (or eye-watering) promos to get people through the doors. Stepping back, without those margin squeezing offers were they offering anything distinctive amongst a host of competing restaurants?  As other now-struggling casual chains like Byrons and Jamie Oliver’s Italian have found, dining habits change and continuing with “same as ever” in a crowded sector with a less frequently visiting clientele inevitably spells pain.

The lessons here are clear: don't push expansion beyond natural limits and nourish the DNA of your success - the trick is to match Billy Graham and Roger Bannister by keeping the expression of your DNA evolving to renew the essence of that success.

This article first appeared in Huddersfield Examiner on 8th March 2018

Taxman must get his house in order; It's the same old story from HM Revenue & Customs

“Christmas Eve: 6,033.  Tick. Christmas Day: 2,590, Tick! Boxing Day: 7,655.  Tick!!” The BattleAxe looked up triumphant.  “Just as I thought, the record numbers filing their tax returns over the holidays correspond exactly with when WE were in the office!” The Chief Elf nodded wistfully recalling a Christmas dinner of cold sausage and stuffing sarnies as returns flowed down the line. “Mind you,” the BattleAxe grumbled pointedly, “it was about the only three days in the last two years when HMRC’s systems have actually worked properly!”

Those systems have been the bane of the Chief Elf’s life (not to mention other inhabitants of BattleAxe Towers) for way, way too long.

Back in January 2016, I wrote about how HMRC needed to get itself properly fit and into shape.  But like so many a New Year resolutionists, they seem to have been back-sliding and it seems that things are getting worse rather than better.

So, yet again, here I am back to chastise!   

Remember, HMRC has a monopoly. We can’t go anywhere else to do our taxes despite their dire service.  What have they done wrong now? Well, the ICAEW called them ‘Self-Assessment Glitches’such as:

·       Errors in self-assessment calculations;

·       Errors in capital gains tax figures;

·       Incorrect adjustments for marriage allowance;

·       Pre-population within third party software unavailable, or incomplete or incorrect (one poor taxpayer was shown income on his tax return but none of the tax already deducted);

·       Incorrect NI calculations – some people may miss out on their pension as a result of this;

·       Self-Assessment statements missing or delayed; and

·       Payments on account not being shown at all.

Oh yes, and in the middle of January, HMRC took down the Self-Assessment data link for accountants and we had to re-authenticate ourselves to get back in.

As I’ve said many times before, if the private sector provided such a dreadful service, customers would vote with their feet and find a better supplier and HMRC would no longer exist – pause for blissful smile on the BattleAxe’s countenance! . 

These errors aren’t just a nuisance, they are erroneously costing taxpayers real money and, when we are living in uncertain times, every penny counts.  I know I’m not alone in my views but, most worryingly, I see nothing being done to make anything better.

As businesses we set ourselves service targets. Why should HMRC be  any different? It is a service provider and should be accountable against their KPIs. But, what are those KPIs? 

Until these basic issues are sorted we will all have excessive workloads checking HMRC figures are right as they scurry to catch up. 

After all it should be easy for HMRC. Just:

·      Get your sums right

·      Pay refunds quickly and efficiently

·      Be consistent

·      Improve the telephone service – actually, why not offer a call-back option?

·      Don’t just go for easy (but meaningless) targets 

Listen up Liz Truss and don’t make me come down there……  Remember: David Gauke has had to move job twice to get a safe distance away from MY rolling pin!